Do you remember Terrance Howard's infamous line on Crash? The one after he caught Ludacris stealing? Just as Ludacris is about to leave his car, Terrance shares a line that seems to penetrate his very soul.
"You embarrass me. You embarrass yourself."
That feeling of utter disappointment is the best way I can describe how this year started for me, but before I get into why I have a few questions for you.
Who taught you how to date? Life? Siblings? Movies? If your closest friends and family set you up with the perfect person, how would you convey that what you have left to give is much better than what you've already given away? Is there anything left?
I've often contemplated, what have I really saved for the person I intend on spending my life with? To some, viewing my genitalia as merchandise at a high-end thrift shop could come off as odd, but I think it's a relatively good comparison for those who are new in the eyes of Jesus - but sorta hand-me-downy in the eyes of man. I've also come to grips with the fact that my traditional sentiments are increasingly outdated to many, and those who do share them can tell that I'm not exactly in mint condition.
With that, I entered this year with a dramatic return to sexual activity after four years of celibacy. Unfortunately, it ended just as quickly as it started. Soon after having my tires kicked they were unceremoniously discarded... in front of a live audience.
As a man, it's a rather precarious predicament to be in, especially if you call yourself a Christian. On one hand, there were those who cited this as another lesson in the pointlessness of not engaging in the savage community, while others were totally shocked at my weakness and irresponsibility. I was then tasked with compartmentalizing an act of purposeful affection as a "meaningless screw," while simultaneously confiding my hypocrisy in the synagogue that I barely even knew. As my mind prepared to embrace the heat of the hottest summer on record, I found myself looking at God the way Ludacris blankly stared at Terrance Howard.
Only God can judge me?
When was the first time you pondered casual sex? Transactional sex? Rebound sex? No-strings attached-no-questions-asked-no-cuddling-no staying-the-night-don't-text-me-ever-I-mean-ever-again-sex? I'm hoping it's never, but for those who have, did it matter who was the victim? How did you go about finding one? How long did it take you to get to that place where it was okay?
As I romanticized the thought of becoming emotionally numb the physical component of it became more and more of a hurdle. I set my mind on finding someone that I was super okay with thinking ill of me, that wasn't a believer, and basically down for whatever. The very same type that I was encouraging months earlier to stick it out to find someone special, I was plotting on being my "reset body" before I went back to being full-fledged celibate again. Sickening.
There is a song by Kevin Gates called Twilight that always comes to mind when I think back about it because he was willing to do anything to keep who he wanted, and I was willing to take it anywhere to erase all the memories of them. My culture says go for their best friend or sibling when someone is tripping. Dog everyone after, cut everyone off, stack money and never ever let people get close again. The only thing is, that's not me. I needed that moment of reflective rebuke, where I was reminded of the life I subscribed to and where I had clearly strayed from it. Most importantly I needed the love that came from a real place instead of an artificial one.
Since, I couldn't lash out and sleep around, drink until I passed out, or go into isolation, I really had to sit still, heal and reflect. There are two amazing books that I read during that time that removed the confusion of where I was, and I had an amazing group of brothers who one-by-one reached out at key periods where I was honestly shook. It's not fun to share or talk about, but I know how one negative experience can change how we treat all people indefinitely.
I think there is a rage level that men can tap into once they've maxed out on what they perceive as disrespect, and it can be borderline monstrous. Not all of us turn violent, but some do. Others internalize it and become so inhumanely cold that it's eerie. Not that women can't tap into it too, but our defense mechanisms to protect our ego at all costs are different and I can attest that the lengths I've gone to share my angst were extra extraordinary. Thankfully, reason won the day in this case, but for my guys who know they are acting out of character with rash and self-damaging behavior. Don't embarrass us. Don't embarrass yourself. We're so much more than eggplants with eyes and fingers attached, and hyper-sexuality isn't all we have to offer. There is peace and understanding for every facet of anger you feel king.