Grew up black in all white schools. Grew up with black boys who thought dating black girls wasn’t cool. Grew up a Tom boy in a high heel world. Grew up for a man to be left in the cold. No I’m not gay, but I will say I’ve done some things on some freak shit. I’ll be the first to admit I have nigga issues, made decisions to fill empty sheets and cold pillows. I haven’t been perfect but I’ve had medicine for the soul. I’ve overdosed on love in its purest form. Individuals go a whole lifetime with the placebo effect. People confuse peace with the eye of a storm. Now beautiful chaos is considered the norm.
Visions of my future show me children made with a husband I can love for eternity. Problem is first, I have to love myself internally.
Yet the question is…
how do you love someone who has never been good enough? How do you love someone who doesn’t fit the mold of the mainstream or command men’s wet dreams? How do you love someone who would give everything they have just to see their friends laugh but closes up at the quickest signs of distrust? How do you love someone who fights herself to break down her walls, watch them fall, just to see them reappear from the dust?
How do you love someone with such fucked up trust?
How do you love someone who observes the ones around her like the FBI watching for signs on how they will fuck her over? How do you love someone who feels no good thing will last? How do you love someone who wonders if God even hears her anymore? How do you love someone who doesn’t believe anyone will truly pour into her? How do you love someone who sees her insecurities in others reflections?
How do you love your flaws in someone else?
If you knew me a year ago you don’t know me at all. The more I grow, the harder I fall. I just want to be open despite of it all. I don’t want to converse with others just to pick apart their flaws. I don’t want to gauge others trust or belief in me. I want to learn to give unconditionally. Love is giving someone the ability to destroy you and trusting them not to.
I want to trust like that.
I don’t want to always look for the lies behind people’s words or the spitefulness in their actions. I don’t want to dim my light or stop loving because I won’t always be what brings people satisfaction…
I want to take the weight of insecurity and pain out of my actions.
Credits:
Photography by Houcine Ncib